The Wait is Killing Me

Okay, so I exaggerate a little. It's not really killing me...more of torturing me. Two more days to go before I find out the result. Two more days to go crazy over worrying. I've become so emotional lately, what with the hormone drugs that I am taking and/or injecting (I sound like a drug addict) that Kenn actually told me this morning that he was afraid to go into our room because I might start crying. I really really don't like this waiting period especially since I have nothing to keep myself occupied with that all I can think about is "What if I'm not pregnant?" I just think that this is my last chance to have a baby, which to be honest is not that far off the mark. Let's face it, my biological clock is ticking and I'm not getting younger. Okay, I'm not really over the hill yet but still IVF has always been my back up plan. So now, since I've already decided to utilize my back up, what if it still doesn't work? I don't have a back up to my back up!!! Well, alright, I do still have that two frozen embryos at the clinic but I don't know if I can go through with this again. I'm so tired from all this waiting. Ironic, isn't it? Since waiting is all i have now until that proverbial stick turns blue.

House Arrest

I've been trying to have a baby for a while now and early this month, my hubby and I finally decided to go for IVF (well, actually, we had no choice because my ovaries were highly stimulated from too much hormonal injections) Anyway, before i digress further, I was advised by my doctor that I needed to go on complete bed rest for two weeks after the procedure until I find out whether or not I did get pregnant. What this means is that I can't go up and down the stairs, I can't go out of the house, I can't leave my room and I'm supposed to be lying in bed as much as possible and I have to have injections every single day for 14 days. Now, the first two days were okay, I got to loll around in bed and watch DVD from sun up to sun down. My food was brought up to me and I didn't have to do anything at all. But after one week, I think I'm going a little insane from sheer boredom. I've managed to finish all my DVDs, I've scrapped a little, I've read a little, been solving a lot of puzzles, surfed a little but now I am going a little crazy. Now, this was supposed to be my dream life before, sit around the house and do nothing the whole day but I find that I'm really not cut out for this type of life. Maybe one or two days is fine but more than that...argghhh I cannot take this anymore. And to think that I'm not even sure that I'm pregnant yet. So essentially, what this means is that if I don't get pregnant, I did this all for nothing! So I really really hope that I am preggy already but so far I don't have any of the symptoms (I know this sounds weird but when i wake up in the mornings, sometimes, I wished that I had morning sickness). I can't wait for that stick to turn blue and I can't wait to see the downstairs of the house again. I'm even looking forward to going back to work. Anyway, I've been blogging for more than 30 minutes already, which means???? I need to get back in bed and stare at the ceiling some more. tata...

On having a baby

When I got married, I never thought that I'd have trouble conceiving. But here we are, 3 years later and still no baby in sight. I don't know how I should feel about that. Sometimes, I think it's okay. I get to go out anytime I want, I can travel anywhere without having to worry about someone else whose life is totally dependent upon me (at least, when he/she is still a baby). I don't have many financial worries because it's just me and the hubby. And people do say that you can't miss what you've never had. However, I don't think it works quite that way. When I see pregnant woman or women with new born babies, I always feel a touch of envy. I would love to have a baby, why can't I have one? I can't say that I'm born to be a mother (some woman maybe, but not me) and I know that if I am lucky enough to have a baby one day, it's going to be one learning curve after another. But, I know that having a baby would change my life in ways that I cannot imagine right now and I know that all the change would be for the better. My hubby says he doesn't mind not having a baby or a child since we can travel to our heart's content with nary a care in the world, but, I'm afraid that one day, when all the travelling and the carefree lifestyle is done, he'll regret that we never had children. I am still hoping that in the next few years we will be blessed. In the meantime, I will try to enjoy everything life throws at me because life is too short to be anything but happy.